your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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