OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
