I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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