I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
