I didn't shave. On purpose
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
