Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
