who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
