Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
