im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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