Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My hand turned me down
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
