I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He kissed a someone with a penis
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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