Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
