She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
