A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
