how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
