I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
