I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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