So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
