I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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