Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
