ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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