My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
