guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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