i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
