How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
