i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
