The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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