You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
