Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
