Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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