im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
