I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
