When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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