So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
