My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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