im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
