Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
