Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
