She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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