What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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