his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
