I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
