Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
