Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
zippers are such a cool invention
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
