Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
