I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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