Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
