party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We had sex on a dog bed..
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
