Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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