drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
