Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
